I talked recently in my big announcement  post about the fears I’m trying to get through with this pregnancy.  While I get that fear can be a good thing sometimes and can benefit us, in this case it’s not good.  Nothing good can come of imagining my worst fears.  It’s not helping, but hurting me.

While I’ve known all of this for the past few weeks I haven’t really known how to fix it or change things.  I got a little help last night from the bible study I’m in and I thought I’d share some of the things I learned.  We all deal with fears and imagining how we could go on if ____happened, so I figure we could all use this reminder.

Our church has a women’s bible study I decided I’d try out this fall.  It’s been good and at times pretty challenging.  We’re using a Beth Moore study to guide us through Esther and so far it’s been great.  I’ve always enjoyed looking deeper into the stories that are about women in the bible and Esther is certainly a book that involves a brave woman helping her people. 

Last night while watching the hour video portion of the study I was really moved and challenged to face this fear that keeps gnawing away at me.  The formula, according to Beth Moore, is to see things like this. 

And if____________________, then God.

The blank can be whatever your big fear is.  Death of a loved one, your children getting sick or kidnapped, illness, husband/wife cheating or a divorce, and on and on.

Basically, whatever happens to you, no matter what, God will still be faithful to you.  He will help you off the floor and pick you up again.  You can fill in that sentence (And if_____) and know that God will be with you no matter what. 

It was like she was preaching to me last night.  I left feeling a bit overwhelmed, pretty emotional and then confused.  How do I accept this gift of courage and “get over” these fears? 

This is the part that’s hard for me and I don’t really have a clear answer yet.  For now, I’m hoping to simply start enjoying each part of this pregnancy.  If I feel horrible one morning I hope to see that as a reminder that this baby is growing and something is happening in me that’s miraculous.  Instead of celebrating I’ve been complaining about feeling bad each morning.  While it’s not enjoyable it’s a clear reminder that something wonderful is happening. 

Another thing that I’m trying to remember that I heard last night is that the Enemy (yes, I do believe in Satan) threatens your fears over and over again as a constant threat.  I myself feel like I have a tape recorder in my head some days playing messages that are good, but mostly bad. 

Here’s an example of something my head does that’s just wacky.

Erik:  Hey honey, I can do that, let me just take care of it for you.

My mind replays in my head:  He’s mad that I didn’t do it earlier and thinks I’m incapable of doing it.  I’d better do this and get it done so he doesn’t think I’m a lazy, horrible,wife.

Um…can you say crazy!  Fortunately, after talking with many women friends I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one dealing with the nasty voice in their heads.  I shared this with Erik and he looked at me like I was nuts.  I of course assured him that I knew he wasn’t really thinking that, he just married a wacko

So, I’m trying to rewrite the tape recorder of fears and doubts.  Every time I worry about something happening to this baby I tell myself that no matter what happens, this baby is here now and forever I am a mother of three children, even if so far I’ve only met one face to face.

I’m still sifting through the words and thoughts of the evening, but I’m feeling so much more hopeful.  It’s time to live in the now.  I am blessed to be expecting a great gift, and I want to no longer fear becoming attached.  It’s time to get the baby name book out.  It’s time to start thinking about getting our crib that’s supposedly been recalled either fixed or thrown away.  It’s time to live in this time and enjoy every little thing happening. 

Thanks for reading friends.  Most of all thanks for letting me clear my head here and get these things out, I’m not sure what I’d do without this time and space!

Here are some videos taken around Thanksgiving time I thought you’d all enjoy. 

Girlie is still abusing the cat as you can see, yet somehow the cat seems to come to her happily many times throughout the day, so I say it’s Mighty’s own fault for being a dumb cat

And finally.  The two favorites.  My Dad and my hubby showing their amazing “skills” at the wii.  We had a lot of fun playing my cousin Jennifer’s games,etc.  Erik and I are trying to decide if we should get one for each other’s shared Christmas gift this year.  I’m a bit afraid for my skull and t.v. though

Friends.  I finally have a GOOD excuse as to why I haven’t been blogging.  Truth be told I have been missing SusQ and I stopped blogging for a while because this is a place where I find relief in “letting it all out.”  I share my life here, my thoughts and I get a lot of warm fuzzies from those who visit and  comment. 

So, the reason I didn’t blog is that I wasn’t ready to share all that was going on in my little corner of the world and by not telling you all what was happening it was almost like lying to you.   I was playing it safe, staying all nice and secure in my own little land of secrecy, but I’m ready to finally let you back in. 

I didn’t blog because I’m PREGNANT. 

See, that’s why it was tough to not blog and I knew I’d want to tell you all from day one if I blogged about what was going on in my life. 

The newest Brekke will arrive around June 24th and I’m currently 10 weeks (11 weeks this Thursday).  He/she is doing well and growing and I’ve heard the heartbeat twice now, so I’m feeling quite relieved and it’s beginning to sink in each day that, oh yeah, I really am pregnant and there will be a small hungry, loud, little baby occupying this house this summer. 

Girlie doesn’t really understand what’s happening.  We didn’t tell her until this weekend when it seemed obvious that she’d overhear discussions about the baby and maybe wonder what we were talking about.  All she wanted to know was “What the baby’s name going to be?” and she decided she’d like a sister.    It’s strange to think that she’ll turn three-year old a few days before the baby arrives (June 18).  I’m hoping she’ll be excited and not too devastated to share her parents and Grandparents with another little person.

I’ve been feeling pregnant these days for sure.  With Girlie I was sick a few times and had some headaches the second trimester, but overall enjoyed being pregnant and managed to still mantain my childcare business.  

This time around has been slightly worse.  I’ve been feeling sick each morning, but fortunately not losing my breakfast too often.  I’m quite tired, but I think that’s from chasing around “little miss two-year old who enjoys being naked” and forcing pants on her.  All the unpleasant things that are associated with pregnancy are completely worth it and when it gets bad I just say, “this too shall pass!” 

I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotion this time around and I’ll write in more detail about this later.  Losing a baby is something I won’t ever get over and it’s changed this whole process completely.  We waited to tell people until just recently, I didn’t start reading my pregnancy books until about a week ago, and I still haven’t gotten out the baby name book.  Part  of me is still scared to think that things won’t be fine and it’s hard to let that wall of fear down. 

Day by day it’s coming apart and I’m starting to let myself get excited and bond with this little one.  He/she is making him/herself known which helps, too.  My Mom said as soon as I walked in the door for thanksgiving, “YOU’VE ALREADY GOT A BELLY!”   It was nice to hear that and let myself get excited about it.

Thanks for coming back to read (for those who do meander back!)  I’ve missed this time to write and share with you and I look forward to much more time on SusQ. 

I wish you all a belated Thanksgiving, we’ve all certainly got much to be thankful for   I myself have found much joy in this little stinker below!

Things here are chugging along well.  I was down and out with a cold last week (like the rest of the midwest seemed to be!)  Now that I’m more able to think and not be a big lump of gray mush I thought I’d start the posting off with a picture from Halloween.  We had a fun night and the kiddos is loving all these nice treats in our house.  The Daddio and I are trying to eat them all after she goes to bed to avoid repetitive nights of sugar highs :)

Notice in shot two of this little froggy the ridiculously full bag of candy.  She insisted on carrying it all by herself and at the end of the long up and down walk of our street it was plumb full and she was struggling to carry it!

Note that her lips are blue.  Although it was cold outside the lips are candy stained M&M lips.  The candy eating started early that night!

Hi all, thanks for your encouragement with the wild two year old I’m trying to raise!  It helped a lot and reminded me of the “big picture.”   I also discovered mid-way through last week that she was getting her two year molars in.  Ouch. 

We’ve been filling our days here with tower building, dress up, tea parties, coloring and her new boggle jr. game.  Here a few videos I’ve been wanting to share with you (and yes, I’m including a bit more of some Mighty cat torture for those who’ve been asking for more!)  Enjoy seeing what life is like in our neck of the woods…er….suburbs of Chicagoland!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKOiTDybYpQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZZfbiK6no8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sldulsirxic

Just got this letter (see below) via email from my Alma Mater, Luther College.  What do you think?  Should I respond and offer to have a student come for J-Term (month of January) to do an internship? 

I could really show them the ins ands outs of potty training, tantrums and time outs, the how-tos of budgeting their money and living on one income, bath time fun, laundry with some stain fighting secrets, and last but of course not least, the art of trying to cook and not burn dinner for your family while your child runs around naked because she had a bit of a potty accident in her carseat and instead of bathing her you decide to save that task for the Daddio who seems to be running late so I just let her run around like a wild and free hippie child in her birthday suit. 

I think it’d be in top demand as an internship, no?  If not a learning experience, I’d at least get some extra help, maybe a nice friend out of the deal and I’m sure that whoever took me up would realize by the end that although he/she’s exhausted, smells bad, and hasn’t combed their hair for a month, they’d most likely discover the best career in the world!!

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The war is with this little two year old stinker   To be fair, she’s got her great moments that make this all worth it and make me extremely happy to be her mommy.  But….BUT.   She’s such a little stubborn one these days.  It’s really truly become the terrible two time of life for us here.

Let’s start with the good things of course.  She’s growing, learning and changing a lot.  The pacifier isn’t even talked about any longer and at night she goes to bed quietly about 85% of the time.  She really likes to help and enjoys getting the table set and filling up the dishwasher after dinner with plates,etc.  

The main thing making me pull my hair out is when she refuses to follow any of my directions/requests, hates playing alone or by herself, and constantly throws her food and dumps out her milk.  *Insert frustrated sighs, args and general noises of discontent here*

I don’t mean to complain and really we have some great days around here that I wouldn’t give up for anything.  It’s just hard sometimes when you combine her stubborness and my hormones some days–Hence the WAR!! 

I’m trying some things out and think some of them are helping.  I guess the hardest thing right now is trying to get her to STOP throwing her food or spilling her milk at meals and snacks.  We usually put her in time out immediately after she does it.  When Daddy removes her from the table she cries cries cries.  When I do it, she laughs, scoots herself all over the room or even gets up and laughs and then runs away. 

The other issue is her lack of entertaining herself.  At 18 months this kiddo would wander our Madison backyard checking out every bug that went by, playing in the sandbox and even going down the slide alone (with me watching from the window of course).  Now, she can’t stand to not be entertained by one of us.  She has un-learned (is that a word) how to play alone and engage by herself.   Not that I mind building lego towers and playing tea party, it’s just that after 8 hours of playing legos, picking up toys and constantly repeating “please don’t eat the playdoh” I sometimes regret not addicting her to television at an early age so I could have more quiet and the chance to pee alone once in a while. 

So, wise readers I have but one request.  HELP!!  I know you all are brilliant and have great ideas that will make me go, “Well, huh, why didn’t I think of that!!!”  

Please leave me a comment with your nobel award winning ideas and if you can’t leave me a great idea, leave me an “I know exactly how you feel sister!” 
That would be great

I went to Luther College and while there was accaintences with a woman named Hoa.   She’s in trouble now and could use some help.  Please read her story, contact your representatives (even in you’re not from Minnesota) and most of all pray for her and her husband, Dan.

We’re adjusting well to our new life and I’d say getting more and more settled here each day.  It’s hard to believe it’s been over two months since we moved.  I still have a pang or two each time I think about an old neighbor (hi Katy–thanks for reading!!), our church, and friends and I wonder how long it’ll make me choke up to keep driving past Madison rather than take the freeway exit. 

With a new job and a new income Erik and I had a good ‘ol budgeting chat a few weeks ago.  We hadn’t been doing a great job of deciding where our money was going to go.  We knew where it was going and how much,etc. but we weren’t really in control of each dime like we wanted to be and weren’t being accountable to our goals when it came to money.  And…if we end up staying here in Chicagoland after these two years we’ll need to have a good downpayment to be able to afford a house (they’re ridiculous around here–just crazy!!)

So, now that we’ve got a fixed income and know what to expect as far as expenses go (please oh please don’t curse me with a unexpected major appliance death now that I just said this on Mr. Internet!!) we’ve started a new plan. 

Here it is.

I’m sure you’re all puzzled about the stack of monopoly money and bad artwork.  What we’ve decided to do is something called the envelope system.  BUT.  I’ve changed it up a bit.  I like our credit card that earns us points and we pay it off every month, so we like using it and getting free stuff.  The envelope system usually tells you to put cash into labeled envelopes with certain categories on them (bills/home, car, groceries, clothing, entertainment, etc.)  So, instead of using cash in these I came up with the idea of using monopoly money.  Fun, huh!

We start with a certain amount of money in each category for the month and a set amount for savings and our tithe.  Throughout the month Erik records all we spend in specific budget notebook so we can have another way to keep track and somewhere to look back throughout the month or year if needed. 

During the first two weeks I blew our grocery money big time.  My parents came into town to visit and we went camping for a weekend.  What can I say, but I went a bit crazy on the food and I wasn’t prepared for this at all!

That left us with a whopping $39 from September 14th until the end of the month.  Oops.  Fortunately, I finally found a good but cheap grocery store nearby and I also discovered the art of using more out of our pantry!  I went to the store earlier this week, got everything I needed for five meals, plus some other needed things and I still have $12.  Wahoo.  I was pretty excited to meet this goal of mine and feel a lot more organized in our life. 

Erik’s been excited to finally be on the same page as far as spending/money goes and now we’ll be able to save more for a house downpayment.

I’m curious, do you readers budget your money?  Do you have goals for your money?  Are you trying to be good stewards of the gifts God has given you?  Do you know where all your money’s going or do you have a fun system you use? 

If you don’t I triple dog dare you to try writing down everything you spend in a month.  It might shock you how much you spend on your lattes, chocolate addicion, or lunches/dinners out.  (It certainly shocked me!!)

p.s.  I’m really curious about your system or how you do it–please share

Here’s what our weekend looked like. 

We went a bit crazy with the hair.

Gave a lot of smootches.

Girlie discovered a new trick in which to terrify and keep her mother awake in terror that she’s escaping the house.  See this video for details.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZcGjFFER5k

I then thwarted said new trick.  (insert evil Mama laugh here.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V5TuBZ3ZTc

And we ended all that by celebrating our little girl’s FIRST DAY OF SUNDAY SCHOOL!!  I can’t believe she’s old enough to have teachers, a classroom and little craft projects.  She was very pleased to show us her art and talk about her time with her friends.  Erik and I enjoyed some time to learn in the adult teaching time.  We’ve found a great gift in this church!  I can’t get over how big she looks in this picture–she’s growing up too fast!