This is hard for me to write about, but I want to get some stuff out and the SusQ blog, besides chatting with the hubby, is the best place for me to do it.  So here goes.
    
     I’ve been thinking and overanylizing and mumbling to myself about a lot of things lately.  It’s about everything and anything, but lately it’s been focused on my faith and myself and who I am.  While I think everyone really needs to examine their lives from time to time, I’ve been at this for quite a while now.  I’m getting a bit tired of it.  My brain needs a vacation.  Actually, all of me could use a nice sunny beach and a margarita, but that’s just a result of living in freezing cold snowy Wisconsin. 

     Maybe this is happening because of the arrival of motherhood and my great sense of responsibility to Jannah, who knows.  So…here’s what’s troubling me and making me over-think and pull out my hair. (Did I mention that this kinda sucks….)
     
     #1:  I have a problem accepting compliments from people and in general seem to have an issue with believing the positive ones while focusing on the negative and/or critical ones.  Is the answer to this that I have a problem with letting myself feel too guilty, or do I have low self esteem or just faulty brain wiring?  It’s like I can logically make sense of what is being said and realize the truth in it, but somehow I can’t let myself accept it.  I’ve never thought of my self esteem as terribly low or unhealthy, but each time someone compliments me (especially about how I look nice, or seem to have lost some weight or something like that) I seem to freeze up and deny myself the thought of, “yeah, I guess they could be right about that.”  So…mommies and women and sure, I guess men, too…well, anyone who seems to think you’ve got some advice for me….advise on, please!  
    
     #2:  Maybe this is all just connected to number one, but I’m reading a book that’s talking about grace.  It’s all about how God loves and accepts you how you are and no matter what you do that is bad or good nothing can change the fact that He loves you.  While I believe that, I’m still feeling like I need to do something to earn God’s love.  I think this is normal and something that just needs to be worked out, but anyone else out there relate to this issue?  Any great ideas?  

     Welcome to the inner workings of my mind people.  Sorry to have put you through that, but it just needed to explode from my typing fingers.  Any wisdom, advise, thoughts and prayers for my mind to start working correctly would be appreciated!  Thankfully I’ve got today off (whoopee) and I’m planning on enjoying every bit of it.  I’m getting a haircut today and hoping to do some relaxing and no more un-fun thinking.  
Looking forward to hearing from you….